Worldly friendships

From the meanest, cruelest man on death row to the sweetest little child in Sunday school, everyone has friends. Friends are extremely important to us for several reasons. They help us make decisions, give us advice, help us out when we have troubles, and so on. Since friends are so important, even to the extent they can influence where we spend eternity, then it seems to reason that we should be very selective in choosing people who serve in this capacity. But often such is not the case. In fact it is usually the very opposite, we end up with a collection of friends and don’t even know how and often don’t know why these particular people are our friends.

Some years ago whenever I began to realize that I needed to reconsider some of my friendships and establish some criteria for choosing friends in the future, I made several remarkable discoveries about myself. One of the most remarkable was that I had selected some people to be my closest friends without any discernable reason. In fact, when I looked objectively at some of them, I found that I didn’t really like them very much at all. Some were arrogant, rude, and basically ignorant. They had become my close friends in spite of what they were instead of because of what they were. I had a real mess on my hands.

As I worked through this problem, I had to begin to weed out the people that were not good for me as friends. Some friendships I simply had to bring to a close. These people were always going to be dangerous to me spiritually and I simply conldn’t afford their friendship. Others I tried to move into different relationships so that I would still have contact with them in the hope that I might be able to redirect them towards Christ. This was difficult (if not impossible) and, for myself, I found that the best thing for me to do was simply to eliminate these ill-advised friendships all together and pray that someone else might teach them the words of life.

Lets begin our study by considering what friends ought to be. First, our friends ought to be of high moral character. Their sexual morality should be unquestionable. If they are single, then they should not be sexually active. Sexual activity belongs only between a man and his wife. If they are married, then they should be faithful to their marriage partner. Associating with immoral persons on a friendship basis can lead us into their wicked conduct. Paul tells us that this is so and we must not allow ourselves to be deceived on this issue (I Corinthians 15:33).

Additionally, our friends should be honest. They should always be of the character that we can trust them. Deceitful and dishonest friends will get us into trouble. I don’t need to discuss this in length. Probably everyone that reads this book will have had such an experience. Some of you will have learned from it; some of you will not have learned from it; but all of you will have experienced it. Friends should be honest.

Friends should be reasonable. Our friends should not be unfair, demanding, or manipulative (in the negative sence of the word). They should not be the type of people that put stress on us because they are unreasonable people. Stress can damage the quality of our lives and as much stress as possible should be eliminated from our lives so that we can function on a higher level. This will in turn make us more effective for Christ.

Whenever possible, our friends should be Christians. I don’t simply mean Christians in name; I mean Christians in deed. They should be active so that they make us active. They should be caring so that they make us caring. They should be knowledgeable so that they make us knowledgeable. Good Christians produce good Christians. Thats what I want to be so thats what I should associate myself with.

There is one special rule in friendship that should be considered. If I were Paul, I might say that I speak this by permission and not by command. That is because I believe this to be good advice based on my personal experience. But the Bible does not in any way bind this as law. The rule is this. It generally works best if single people make friends with single people and married people make friends with married people.

Now please don’t over react and start eliminating friends because they are single and you are married or vice versa. I am not even intimating that. What I am saying is that the majority of your friendships should follow this guideline, but not necessarily all. Its a matter of developing your social order. Married people sometimes have special problems arise whenever they develop a large group of single friends. Such a practice has sometimes led to making one of the married people (or perhaps both) miss the freedom of the single life. It has caused stress in the marriage because of this and sometimes led to divorce.

Sometimes the intrusion of the single person has led to infidelity through familiarity. Nothing was planned on the part of either person. But because of the close bonds formed, one thing led to another until finally the tragic act of adultry occurred. Some of you are probably saying that this couldn’t happen to you. Let me tell you. Everyone that I have ever counseled that was in this situation said the same thing. They were wrong and you just may be too. If you are married, culminate the majority of your friends from other married couples. This way, you and your mate share the same pool of friends. This will lead to less conflicts in the long run.

What friends ought to be and what they are seem seldom to be the same thing. When I began to reevaluate my friendships, I found that many of my friends had slowed my growth as a Christian. In fact, many had led me into sin. MANY! How could I have allowed myself to collect such a poor set of friends over the years? I don’t really know how it happened exactly. Some of it I understand but the whole thing is far too complicated to discuss in this short book. Instead of dwelling on how it happened, we are going to look at what a friend ought not to be and then figure out how to adjust our friend list TODAY and eliminate the problems that our present list is causing.

A friend ought not be a trouble maker. If we regularly associate with those that cause trouble we will either become a trouble maker ourselves, get into a situation because of our friend who is a trouble maker, or both. None of these possibilities are desirable. We need to be people of peace if we are to be Christlike. Friends that are trouble makers are a deterant to us being what we are to be.

A friend ought not be dishonest. This means they should not steal, lie, deceive, or cheat. These characteristics are at emnity with the Spirit of God and are totally unacceptable. We don’t need to form friendships thinking we may change these people. We need to form friendships because the individuals are what we need as friends in the first place. Growing with good friends is a much better philsophy than trying to change bad ones.

A friend ought not be a bad influence. If our friends are always encouraging us to do that which is questionable or outright sin, then these friends we don’t need. If they encourage us to be less than faithful or to be negligent of our responsibilities, then they are in need of elimination from our associations. Our friends must not have a negative influence on us.

Eliminating bad friends is sometimes a difficult task emotionally. But it has usually been the case that when I began to refuse to do those things that were questionable and stood for that which was right, these bad friends eliminated themselves. Evil cannot dwell in the presence of righteousness. Exactly how you handle this you will have to decide. Perhaps asking yourself what Jesus would do and then doing it is the very best way to handle this situation (or any other situation for that matter).

Selecting good friends is relatively easy. Simply look out among the individuals available and find people that will encourage you to be better than you are now. Select people that will help you grow and gain strength. Select people that will tell you when you have done wrong. We all need correction from time to time and will seldom give it to ourselves. We need friends that love us enough to take the chance and correct us on the occasion that we need it (Proverbs 18:24).

Finally, we need to consider that our best friend should be Jesus Christ (John 15:12-14). But if we allow our friendship to be with the world, we cannot be the friend of Jesus (James 4:4). We must choose who our friends will be. In so doing, we must ensure that our choices do not interfere with our relationship with our Savior.